Thoughts

So, I read through a few friends' blogs today. It was an eye opening experience into their hearts. It is amazing how words can sometimes express things in written form that I would never grasp if they were said out loud. The blogs were full of true and deep feelings. Not feelings of joy and happiness, but true feelings of the heart that I am often not able to express to people. Vulnerability. Now that is a funny concept. You see, I like to have things figured out before I speak them. Usually, this involves me thinking about something around and around in a circle and almost thinking it to death really. Growing up it was always "think before you speak" which is an excellent concept, but my little brain sometimes takes it too far. Christian community is a place where I should feel the freedom to express my thoughts and feelings, but time after time I am too scared of rejection in order to share my thoughts. My perfectionism comes out like a monster that locks up my mouth and my heart to prevent me from opening up. What if people see that I am a mess inside? How will I be able to face them? What if they don't react well to what I have to say? How will I be able to face myself? I think the last question really is the key. I spend so much of my life trying to gauge how other people will respond and trying to figure out what is appropriate or the best way to phrase something so that the other people will respond the way I expect them too. Sometimes I think I try to avoid awkward conversations and reactions so I force the situation not to be awkward. I was reading a book today and there was a scene in which a husband and wife had to have a very awkward and brutally honest conversation in which both would end up hurt. Now, I realize that these are fictional characters, but the author made it very real. One of my strengths is harmony and I don't like to hurt people. I can also be a people pleaser and the combination of the two is often deadly. Not because people get offended, but because I often let it prevent me from truly loving people. As a Christian, I am called to speak the truth in love, but that does not mean to completely plan it out and know exactly how they will respond because then I cannot be in the moment with them walking in vulnerability. Love sometimes requires being brutally honest even though I know I will hurt someone. hm . . . I sometimes feel that I have lost my ability to truly love people since being an RA. Thankfully, God never gives up on me. Maybe that is one reason I am writing this blog. I knew that if I didn't get my thoughts down, the walls of my heart would close up again. For the time being though, they are down and I want them to be that way.