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undercover introvert

People are so diverse. In classes we learn about all of the different personality traits that we can classify people into: type A, type B, introvert, extrovert, uptight, laid back, people oriented, task oriented, detail people, idea people, loud, quiet etc. At least at my school, we take many different personality tests freshmen year to figure out who we are and how we interact with the world (Myers Briggs and StrengthsFinders just to name a few). I may be one of the only students who enjoys being "put in the box" of my personality because I enjoy learning about myself and about others and how we interact. Sometimes this gets me in trouble, because in all reality, we cannot possibly try to classify every person into a category. God made each of us unique to fit into his plan in a different way with different perspectives, opinions, and ways of handling situations. But back to personality tests. You see, I love taking personality tests, but I often disagree with my answers or get greatly varying answers from the tests. Yes, I do realize that is not supposed to happen.  

Recently, I have realized that I often try to disregard my introverted personality. In fact, I sometimes think I have spent a lot of my life trying to be an extrovert to the extent that freshmen year, my closest friends were convinced I was one. Growing up as a missionary kid definitely has it's advantages and I loved it, but it also forced me to be an extrovert a lot of the time. During many summers, my family and I would drive across the country to visit supporters who contributed financially to our ministry. This meant being on our best behavior whenever we went somewhere, long hours of being with people in the car, and new friends every night if we stopped at a home with kids our ages. For an introvert, that is hard to handle and I can even remember a few times that I would just go out and sit in the van all alone after dinner to read or just be quiet. My parents were good at letting us just be ourselves, but there is a certain amount of pressure that goes with being in front of people so much and many times people expected me to be able to hold good conversations, and have flawless social skills. Or at least, that is how I felt sometimes. 

After moving to Florida, these bad patterns of pretending to be an extrovert continued. If you have ever moved you may understand this a little better, but it is difficult for an introvert to make friends quickly in a new place. It is not that I do not like people; in fact, I love people, but I tend to have only a few close friends and those take time to make. So, as a reaction to loneliness and in competition with my sister who makes friends very quickly, I made myself an extrovert. Every weekend, I was out with friends doing something and I ended up almost running myself ragged my senior year because I wanted to get everything in and did not want to feel left out of anything. Now, my version of business is probably a lot less busy than most people's (introverted lifestyle), but since I was with people all the time, it felt that way to me sometimes. Our culture does not warmly welcome introverts. In fact, it is very difficult to be accepted as an introvert in our society. We are busy people and if people are quiet or do not open up right away (instant gratification), sometimes it does not appear that they are worth spending time pursuing as friends. Now, let me clarify and say that is a huge generalization and I am guilty of even doing that to my friends who are introverted. Also, much of this may be influenced by the fact that I have always lived in big cities and the culture of our country varies greatly depending on where you live. Thankfully, I have had people in my life who have pursued me as a friend even if I was slower to open up, but I have struggled with feeling accepted for who I really am, and since I saw that extroverts are often accepted in our culture, I decided I needed to change or continue to adjust my personality. I can change my personality right? It is not like I was born with it or anything. (sarcasm, in case you were wondering). 

As you may guess, the bad habit of trying to make myself an extrovert continued into college. I was so scared of being lonely and not being accepted that I spent tons of time with people. I did not want to be known as that weird home school girl who does not have social skills and sits in her room all the time. I was worried that people would find me socially awkward and equate my desire to be alone with the lie that I do not like people. So, instead, I completely ignored my introverted personality and exhausted myself freshman year. Thankfully, I realized what I was doing after mulling it over in my head all summer, and when I got back to school I was determined to take better care of myself. I have never struggled with accepting the fact that I am an introvert, but I did and still do struggle with how others view me which translated in my mind that people would not accept me as an introvert. So, with these great plans in my head, I was armed and ready for the year . . . to enter my position as a resident assistant. Now, I do not regret my decision to be an RA for two years of my college experience, and in fact, I have greatly enjoyed reaching out to and building community with the women on my floor; however, for someone who gains energy from alone time, it is not quite the perfect job opportunity. 

Disclaimer: this summer I am processing through a lot of this which is one reason I am writing about it on this blog and since that is true, my thoughts may change and I may have incorrect feelings about things that I will continue to think about (hopefully logically) and end up finding truth. 

Back to being an RA. After a long day of classes and homework on a campus where it is very difficult to get away from people, I would have evenings full of meetings, events, Bible studies, or just times when I felt like I needed to be with my girls. It seemed selfish to spend as much time as I needed by myself and I did not feel like I was fulfilling my job description. So, I compensated and pretended to be an extrovert, but took a little more time for myself to recharge. College is also just a busy time of life socially and it is difficult to experience everything while making sure I am taking care of myself (that whole not wanting to miss out thing). As I reflect on the past three years, I realize that, coupled with some major other life changes going on in my life at the same time, not taking enough time out for myself resulted in burnout. I hate burnout. During college I have been burnt out on friends, being an RA, teaching (which is my major), and pretty much everything. That is something that I want to change, but I am not sure how to become true to my real self again since I have been living somewhat as a pretend self for 75% of my college years. How will people react if I do not spend as much time with them? Will people still accept me? If I don't initiate with others, will they initiate with me or will I experience loneliness which I dread? What happens if my close friends are busy when I want to hang out and have people time? What if our schedules just don't match up and I miss out on experiences and memories because at that point in time I need alone time? How can I say no? 

As you can see, I have not been able to fix this problem yet or even find a solution, and it is driving my "fixer" crazy. So, for the time being, I am reevaluating my goals for the semester, trying to get up the courage to say no in a loving way, and praying . . . a lot. 

PS. This is a very interesting article that my roommate Amanda found about introverts and I think it goes well with this post so I recommend reading it whether or not you are an introvert because it explains many misconceptions about us. Enjoy. 

10 Myths about introverts

Sew . . . a needle pulling thread

I have recently discovered that I really love sewing. I also recently started stumbling on StumbleUpon and one of my interests is sewing which means that I now spend a lot of time looking up fun little crafty things to do online. When I was younger I took sewing lessons with a dear family friend, but I forgot how much I enjoyed it. Some people express themselves through writing or painting or photography, but perhaps the way I express myself is through sewing . . . we will see. Anyway, the past couple of weeks I have been inspired by one of my housemates who has her sewing machine set up in our living room. This just in: sewing is no longer for old women who want to wear distasteful, old fashioned clothing! Maybe I was the only one who felt that way, but regardless, here are some fun websites I have found.

favecrafts.com
craftgawker.com
talk2thetrees.blogspot.com

This summer has been a wonderful summer of remembering the things that I like to do and that I have forgotten about because of school.

Bike Race etc.

So, I have done many things in the past week. Here you go:

• Hosted a cookout for summer residents
• Met with my cooperating teacher for student teaching
• Hung out with a certain Matthew August's parents
• Made cookies
• Saw my aunt and uncle who I haven't seen in 5 years
• Spent lots of wonderful time with the Lord
• Didn't miss facebook
• Found my newest favorite website (free crafts, yay)
• Decided to stop spending money
• Paid 3.69 for gas when it was 3.43 the day before
• Volunteered at a bike race
• Got bit by a very large spider which I accidentally squished on my hand . . .ew
• Cut my own bangs
• Made delicious cookies

Sometimes seeing family is such a nice reminder of the things you are good at and enjoy in life. When I am at school, I feel pulled in so many directions and I forget what I am good at and what I enjoy. Tonight I was reminded that I love music and that it is a huge part of my life even thought it often does not seem like it when I am at school. I think I may pick up flute again after I graduate. No matter where I am in life, I always want music to be there. The other thing I was reminded of is that I am good with kids and that I will be a good teacher. The past semester I have sincerely doubted my ability and even desire to teach. The classrooms I worked in seemed overwhelming and I really felt like I couldn't live up to the expectations forced upon me. However, I was reminded that teaching runs in the family and that it is something God has gifted me in when I use it in the right way. The problem occurs when I begin comparing myself to my classmates. I always think they are more confident in their teaching, that they know what they are doing, and that they are just better at teaching. None of that is true. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but it is amazing to see how my insecurities come out when I doubt. In reality, they all feel the same way I do, but we just keep comparing and competing. gross. 

This is why I started this blog. To share what I am learning and what God is teaching me. When I don't share things like this, I tend to forget them quickly or not accept them as fact, but when I write things down, I see the truth that I am learning and it takes permanence in my mind. 

Tony Awards

Check out these performances on the Tony awards. Let me know what you think about the first one. :-)

 Book of Mormon--Believe
Anything Goes
Dueling Hosts

Side By Side
How to Succeed in Business

Traveling

Traveling is always an adventure and I experienced one on my way home a few days ago. When I arrived at the airport, my flight was already delayed an hour, so they switched my connecting flight in Chicago so I could make it. Then, as I sat waiting to board the plane after another hour delay, one of the workers came over the loudspeaker and announced that only the people making half of the connecting flights were going to be able to make it. On top of that, they did not have any more rooms in Chicago to put people up so they asked if anyone would be able to fly to Houston and then to my destination from there. Now normally when I am flying by myself, I am a little on edge because I want to make sure that I make all of my connections and that i am paying attention to the announcements and such, but this trip I was surprisingly not stressed at all. In fact, I was able to just take everything in stride. The other passengers were all freaking out or angry about the delay, but I just had peace about it. It is amazing to see the blessings in a situation instead of the frustrations. Since my flight was delayed, they put me up in a hotel for the night and gave me a nice meal voucher so that I could have a snack at the restaurant. I also got shuttle service to and from the hotel and a morning wake up call. Basically, the airline ended up paying over $80 because their planes were not all running smoothly. It was so amazing to feel the Lord's protection over me the whole time and to just be able to dwell in his peace even when everyone around me was unhappy. And what an opportunity to be a witness among people who may not know the Lord!

Thoughts

So, I read through a few friends' blogs today. It was an eye opening experience into their hearts. It is amazing how words can sometimes express things in written form that I would never grasp if they were said out loud. The blogs were full of true and deep feelings. Not feelings of joy and happiness, but true feelings of the heart that I am often not able to express to people. Vulnerability. Now that is a funny concept. You see, I like to have things figured out before I speak them. Usually, this involves me thinking about something around and around in a circle and almost thinking it to death really. Growing up it was always "think before you speak" which is an excellent concept, but my little brain sometimes takes it too far. Christian community is a place where I should feel the freedom to express my thoughts and feelings, but time after time I am too scared of rejection in order to share my thoughts. My perfectionism comes out like a monster that locks up my mouth and my heart to prevent me from opening up. What if people see that I am a mess inside? How will I be able to face them? What if they don't react well to what I have to say? How will I be able to face myself? I think the last question really is the key. I spend so much of my life trying to gauge how other people will respond and trying to figure out what is appropriate or the best way to phrase something so that the other people will respond the way I expect them too. Sometimes I think I try to avoid awkward conversations and reactions so I force the situation not to be awkward. I was reading a book today and there was a scene in which a husband and wife had to have a very awkward and brutally honest conversation in which both would end up hurt. Now, I realize that these are fictional characters, but the author made it very real. One of my strengths is harmony and I don't like to hurt people. I can also be a people pleaser and the combination of the two is often deadly. Not because people get offended, but because I often let it prevent me from truly loving people. As a Christian, I am called to speak the truth in love, but that does not mean to completely plan it out and know exactly how they will respond because then I cannot be in the moment with them walking in vulnerability. Love sometimes requires being brutally honest even though I know I will hurt someone. hm . . . I sometimes feel that I have lost my ability to truly love people since being an RA. Thankfully, God never gives up on me. Maybe that is one reason I am writing this blog. I knew that if I didn't get my thoughts down, the walls of my heart would close up again. For the time being though, they are down and I want them to be that way.